America’s Finest News Source

As regular readers know, one of the funniest recurring features of The Onion is “American Voices”, wherein they “ask” regular Americans for feedback on the news. The responses are always good, but this one reaches new heights:

After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three middle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school health services to prescribe birth control. What do you think?
Katie Kolounakis, Receptionist
“This is outrageous. I think my daughter should have to get pregnant at 13 just like I did.”

Paul Winthrop, CAT Scan Technician
“I’m not sure birth control is the answer. Have they tried having an open, honest conversation with these kids about how they’re going to hell?”
Billy Walton, Systems Analyst
“This will only encourage students to engage in risky behavior like visiting doctors and going to school.”

It’s hard to choose, but Mr. Walton probably wins.

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